Poltergeist Counseling
by Lost Legendaerie
Summary: When the Castle That Never Was comes under the influence of a vengeful spirit, Axel decides to resolve it in the name of justice and sea salt ice cream. Of course, he'll have to face evil appliances, pointless libraries, and the inexorable powers of...


A/N.- This story is dedicated to my dear Beta, Inspiration of Imagination. xD May you keep writing forever, Angel dearest. Zexion would want you to.

**Steve the Disclaimer Says**- Spoilers for KH- 385/2 Days, reguarding the end of the Castle Oblivion Assignment. Also, rated for language and 'suggestive themes'

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Poltergeist Counseling

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You wouldn't really think that a pack of grown men- Nobodies or not- would ever be scared of a poltergeist. But there was something.... unusual about the things that had been happening since the Castle Oblivion incident. There were rumors of doors randomly locking, of appliances rebelling, and nightmares that typically involved what the Dusks called 'fanservice' and all the straight males called 'mental scarring'.

For those of you wondering, Roxas was, at this time, still down for the count, and Axel was thus bored and getting tired of this whole thing fast. The fiery Nobody was really getting sick of using the stairs; the elevators had been shut down after Saix had entered and spent almost two hours inside feeling sicker than a dog as the metal box was jerked up and down like a yo yo.

Attempting communication had been offered, and quickly shot down by their leader.

_'"I don't think it wise to open the lines of communication with the angry dead," Xemnas had drawled, looking imperious._

_"And why not?" Saix had huffed, still looking green from the elevator incident. "If we talk to it, we might be able to convince it to leave."_

_"I'd rather not do that- it might start making demands, and judging by the dreams we've all been having- yes, I know you get those too- we might end up getting sodomizes." Wincing noises all around here. "Besides, it hasn't been that big of a problem for me." The white haired man smirked. "I enjoy the thrill of living in a haunted Castle."'_

And thus, the poltergeist had been left untouched for the past several days. This bothered Axel, as he couldn't get to the sea salt ice cream he had stockpiled in his fridge and was getting worried about it. And hungry.

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"Oh, hang it all," Axel grumbled, as he approached the locked kitchen and kicked down the steel door.

The fridge made a disturbing little whine, and shot ice at Axel's stomach. The chakrams came into play then, melting the little ice bullets as soon as they came. Said fridge growled, and the Nobody growled back. "Just let me get my ice cream, dammit. Then you can have the kitchen back."

There was a little scraping clicking noise as the spirit tried to shut the broken door dramatically behind the Nobody. Of course, that would only work if the door was even on its hinges, so the spirit settled for shooting a stale, burnt bagel out of the toaster and smacking Axel neatly in the left eye.

The Nobody swore, and the dishwasher shot a jet of soap into Axel's mouth neatly. The microwave gave a little beeping noise that was disturbingly like a giggle as Axel rubbed his tongue against the sleeve of his coat. Which had not been washed in quite a while- because no Nobody knew how to do laundry by hand as the washing machines were staging a rebellion after all those black coats- and thus the taste of soap was substituted for the taste of grime and dust and Heartless ooze.

Lovely.

"What do you want, anyway? " Axel snapped at the vocal microwave.

_Revenge_, the screen flashed melodramatically; not knowing any better about cliche avoidance or simply not caring.

With a valiant effort, the fridge heaved itself into the doorway, blocking the only exit far better than any door could as the microwave hummed happily. Axel spun his chakrams around artfully.

"If you want my head," he snarled, "you'll have to take it by force!"

Seconds later, he was regretting his words as the dishwasher began shooting dishes at him. This forced him to realize that Demyx had a point, regrettably, about 'discretion being the greater part of valor'; a phrase he had probably just copied from Zexion.

Thus the Nobody bust through the drywall and took off down the hallway as the lights flickered and flashed around him at strobe speeds. At this point in time, as muttered curses flew from his mouth from stress and force of habit, Axel was trying to remember how they dealt with these things in the movies.

_Burn the bones?_

_No,_ he scowled, as a light fixture dropped a little closer than comfort at his heels. _Dead things can't be buried in a Castle That Doesn't Exist._

_Line of salt?_

_Not unless this thing's got a sodium allergy._

Sadly, a door was quickly approaching at the end of the hall, and Axel's little Nobody mind was occupied with jumping into the air, kicking it down, and really hoping it wasn't a closet.

Nope. It was the library.

There had been some discussion on the building of a library, too. Axel, being a pyromaniac with a ridiculously good memory- after all, he was always asking people if they 'got it memorized' because he, most of the time, did- had no need to enter such a place, and so had voted against it in favor of a bigger kitchen. Of course, discussion ended when Xemnas informed them 'no castle is complete without a massive library filled with books no one would ever read.' To which Vexen had whined about having all the info on computers, and had made a sweet harmony with Zexion's squeal of glee, and Xemnas had silenced them all with the even greater logic of the fact that 'He was Number I and would kill them all if he his castle wasn't complete'. In the end, Xemnas had gotten his way. Obviously. Because there it was, in all its little colorless glory.

The door, once more, was unable to click dramatically shut, so Axel just took the hint when books started flying overhead and building a little barricade.

"Fine, I won't leave," he growled, and slumped to the floor, knowing he could burn his way out at any time. "What do you want that doesn't involve my death?"

"Mmm, I think I'd settle for your eternal damnation," noted a far too familiar voice, and the Nobody winced.

Or perhaps we should clarify; one of the Nobody's winced.

"Zexion, you drama queen," Axel muttered, putting his non-life on the line in the name of smart remarks. The slowly appearing Zexion scowled, and a particularly thick book cracked the redhead in the forehead.

"Asshole." The short apparition snarled, as Axel rubbed his forehead.

"Why are you so pissy, anyway? Do you have something against me or something?"

The misty Zexion slumped forward as he floated in the middle of the room. "Hmm, let me think about for a second." He snapped his nonexistent fingers. "Oh, wait, we're in a library! Let's get some books on the subject."

"A ghost is making me do homework," Axel groaned, and was ignored as a childrens book popped into Zexion's hands.

"This looks like a good one- 'Cockatoo Stu is new at the Zoo- a guide to making friends'. Dum dee dah dum," he hummed as he flipped through the pages, only to throw the hardbound book into Axel's stomach like a Frisbee. "Nothing in there about making friends by _killing them_, let's try another one!"

"If I killed you," remarked the ever-observant Number VIII, "shouldn't you be, I don't know, dead and gone?"

"Evidently, you suck at murder, too." Zexion crossed his arms and sulked. "For some reason, I'm stuck like this. My body is gone, but I'm still here."

Axel scowled. "Unfinished business, maybe?" In hindsight, a poor thing to say as the one responsible for his non-death. He was the best candidate for being such business. Anyway.

"Possibly." He gave a little breathless sigh. "Still, I'd expect my 'unfinished business' be the typical revenge thing. I already made Saix sick in the elevator, Demyx dream about getting violated by his sitar, and I've denied you ice cream for a week. Perhaps something more drastic?" Zexion looked into the distance. "But killing you all would be canon-breaking."

Axel snapped his fingers, a little lick of flame appearing as an idea suddenly hit him. "I got it! You're here because of the Power of the Fangirls!"

Zexion scowled, then a large dictionary appeared in his little insubstantial hands. "Fanboy, fanfiction- ew-, fangasm- double ew-... here it is, Fangirl."

_"'An irrational female, typically between the ages of 12-16, who is attracted to and obsesses over fictional characters- often, but not limited to vampires, bishonen, and bad boys.'" _Axel quoted in sync with Zexion's absent lip movements as he read. _"'Capable of destroying the rules of physics, morals, and canon in the name of buttsex.'"_

"That's creepy."

"Tell me about it," Axel drawled, leaning back as he considering cutting Zexion in half with his chakrams. _Might be worth a try._

"I heard those thoughts," his captor warned as he float/paced back and forth, brilliant blue eyes narrowed as he schemed. "If fangirls typically only are attracted to bishonens.... I have to become ugly."

Zexion raised his head, his face the picture of resolve. "I will become a Moogle."

....

Axel snorted, then doubled over laughing. "Y-you're gonna_ what? Ha ha ha_! You, a Moogle? _Ha ha ha ha_!"

"Shut up. I have the powers to do it," Zexion huffed before flinging yet another dictionary at Axel's head. This one, however, scored a bullseye, and laid the Nobody out cold. The Cloaked Schemer rolled his pretty little eyes, then with a moment of sadness at the good looks he was about to abandon- he's allowed to be a little Narcissistic, isn't he?- transformed into a tiny cloaked Moogle.

The Moogle/Nobody fluttered slowly out of the library, down the hall to the Grey Room, clapped an encyclopedia around the Moogle Shopkeeper and took it's place near the door with a mouthless smirk.

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"And that's why I should get a vacation for saving you," Axel finished, seated on the kitchen table, swinging his legs as Saix prepared his breakfast.

"And I'm supposed to believe that? You ass," the blue haired Nobody scowled. "They already discovered that our security system just had contracted a computer virus."

"Then how do you explain the dreams, eh?" Axel crossed his arms, refusing to back down. Saix gave a sigh of long suffering. "I suspect the 'Castle Needs More Female Nobodies' faction. CNMFN does control space and time, after all; what's a little dream-walking for the cause." The blue-haired Nobody turned on his heel and escaped the kitchen with his blueberry bagel and Axel shouting after him.

"Hey! If it wasn't for me, you woulda gotten raped by your claymore!"

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I swear, if I ever write in this fandom again, I'll take more time. But I wanted something done for Angel's birthday, so.... yes. xD Happy Birthday. Hope you like insanity with your cake.


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